Shame’s Strong Hold

This type of family situation might cause a lot of shame for the sibling without the disability. You might be hyper aware due to your disabled siblings lack of awareness in which you take on embarrassment for them. Or it causes you to hyperfocus on not making mistakes, so you don’t feel embarrassment yourself.

Your social cues might be way beyond your siblings, noticing things they don’t. Perhaps you notice when their being made fun of, bullied or rejected. It hurts to see your disabled sibling being picked on; worst part is they don’t even know it’s happening. You take on that pain because you realize what is happening faster than they can process it.

Now this awareness has caused your senses to heighten when people are performing these behaviors making you more sensitive. If you constantly see the mistreatment happening to your sibling, as a young kid you might rationalize why this happens and how to avoid it. You think to yourself, well they did something wrong that is why they are being bullied. Thus, I will try to please everyone and never make a mistake, so I don’t feel the same pain.

 You can’t please everyone

As you get older you realize that all along nothing was wrong with you but the person who is doing the bullying. You can’t please everyone and not everyone will like you, just how you won’t like everyone on this planet either. Eventually you will be rejected, teased, and ridiculed even when you do everything “right.”

A child is willing to take on so much mentally, but it doesn’t mean they should. You might have the tendency to be the perfect child to please your parents. This can be very destructive when you become an adult.

Ignoring Your Own Needs

When I was a young kid, I noticed the struggles my parents were going through with my sibling. So, I made myself as small as possible as to not add to their stress. I required very little, never asked for much, and did everything I could to be perfect.

As an adult, there were these internal issues I identified. A lot of these symptoms lined up with shame. Shame has a deeper meaning than just embarrassment turns out.

What is Shame?

The definition of shame is:

A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

Shame manifests itself in damaging ways that you don’t expect.

If it begins in childhood, it will dig its roots deep.

Parents need to be aware of these issues that the non-disabled siblings can deal with. It can cause the child to neglect themselves, their needs and become lost as to who they really are. Making them susceptible to manipulation and sketchy situations.

Is it the child’s fault for sacrificing their resources and privileges to ease their parents’ load or is it the parent’s fault for allowing their children to sacrifice time and time again?

No matter who’s to blame, it leaves a mark. One where you constantly give yourself up to ease someone else. Ignoring the fact that you need resources as well. You need consideration and time from others.

Internal Shame

Shame is the best way to describe these deep-rooted issues that come from having a disabled sibling. You might be a confident person who takes chances in life but you have a deep sense of shame that picks at you. There is a lot of pain that the non-disabled sibling takes on. It might not be as bad in comparison to your sibling, that doesn’t mean you don’t matter.

You are worthy

You are worth the time and effort of another, from a job, or a community. Caring too much about adding to another’s stress causes stress for yourself. You have to find the value in asking for help.

Your value does not come from how much you do not need. You will not be summed up by how much of a mess you didn’t make or how little you made a fuss when you were pushed to the side. In fact, you grow smaller and smaller, until you shrivel up and blow in the wind.

Do not be small. Realize that you have needs and wants that matter, just like every other human being.

How to solve it

Solve it by getting in touch with the inner you.

1. How do you wish people to treat you?
2. What type of treatment causes a reaction in you?
3. What are your wants and needs on a day-to-day basis?

Ask yourself these questions and write down the answers. Explore yourself and try to be aware of your reactions and thoughts when the situation arises in your everyday life.

• Try to change a shameful reaction.
• Define your boundaries to others
• Say no
• Don’t seek validation
• Be who you are unapologetically

Be proud to ask for help. It builds connections with others around you. You gain knowledge through an exchange of words. You succeed in the resource that you need.

Conclusion

Siblings of disabled children learn how to be empathetic from a young age which is a wonderful ability. Even if you don’t have a disabled sibling, you might have the issue of feeling you’re not important in your life.  Remind yourself to never be afraid of focusing on your own needs for once.